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Ode to a Baroness (I Found Cursing Loudly in a Ditch One Sunny Summer Afternoon At An Event Somewhere)

She is every woman’s role model:
Strong, independent, and free
She’ll outdrink any man at her table –
What more could a gal want to be?

She has fought for beloved Septentria
And for Crown Ealdormere, no less.
Who is this symbol of womanhood?
Why, our wonderous Baroness!

As “Kaffa” she is known to her friends here,
As “Hey You!” she is known without.
When one hears her yelling at Aedan,
One knows she is up and about.

With a smoke and a beer she is ready
To face every challenging day;
By bribing, threatening, or bashing,
She always gets her way.

Her Excellency’s honour is unquestioned;
Her morals are all without taint.
Justice, some say, is her middle name,
And some say she’s really a saint.

But many here know her much better
And, remembering Old Eoforwic,
Many have their own tales to tell,
If they can tell them, then run away quick!

Forgiving her slight imperfections
Our love for our Kaffa is strong
And we love to tell tales of her actions
Some even make great bawdy songs!

We’ve all heard of orgies on busses,
And wine & cheese parties sans clothes;
But we all know how saintly dear Kaffa
Would never be at any of those!

Some talk of her eye for the young men
(Some hint at the Captain of Horse!)
But our Kaffa’s DEVOTEDLY married
And would have none of this, of course!

O, what a paragon of virtue!
This woman’s a virtual saint!
(If you don’t look too closely you won’t see
The tarnish and chipping of paint)

My tongue is so far into my cheek
It’s in danger of being bitten off-a
But Kaffa, we all love you dearly,
And we know where you hid Jimmy Hoffa!

(the Anonymous Bryniau Seneschal, Spring/90?)